Quitting Judgement

It was 2021 and I was working full time at a place I couldn't stand and spent most days sleeping in until 1:00 P.M. (Most days I would work 2pm-12am). After working another exhausting day, I would come home, eat, shower, and scroll endlessly on my phone for hours. Many nights, I would watch podcasts just so I didn't feel alone. That was when I decided to write a blog. However, after many failed attempts at trying to make time to create, I gave up. I think it was one of the many hobbies I was afraid at failing at, so giving up just felt like the safer option.

One thing most people don't know about me is that I have this thing where I can't finish the things I start. It happens with all sorts of things. (T.V. shows, video games, and even books sometimes). It's also why I stopped trying to write a blog. I think it was honestly a mixture of boredom, fear of failure, and doing too much until I burn myself out (which leads to taking a break & never going back to finish). I like to do things simply for fun, but when it starts to feel like a job or a chore, I tend to quit and want nothing to do with it until I feel inspired again, which could take literal YEARS, (like this blog). It's going on three years and I'm finally ready to try this again.

Lately I've been going through this weird mental change where I don't want to post anything for views/likes anymore. I've also been leaning into the idea of doing a social media detox for the sake of my mental health (hopefully soon).

Within this change, I've come to realize that I have a problem comparing myself to others and letting those thoughts determine my worth instead of embracing confidence in myself regardless. I've also realized that the more attention I get on my pages/profiles/etc., the more pressure I feel to push content that's relevant and likable. That's not what this is supposed to be though. Social media and blogging, for me, is supposed to be about having a creative outlet, for entertainment, and documenting my inner thoughts & personal growth. When starting everything, I always had the perception that if people read what I say and relate in the process, that's great, but either way, I just want to be 100% authentic (without filters, ego, fear, judgement, etc).

Looking back in hindsight, maybe that's why I wasn't able to do it before (in 2021), because I was too caught up in other people's perception of me and the idea of the person I thought I SHOULD be. Now that I can clearly see where the problem lies and I have gained this sense of awareness, I can change where I direct my energy and learn how to navigate this social media world a little better. Most people on social media (if not, all) are constantly worried about algorithms, likes, views, numbers, etc. Sadly, I've also fallen into that trap. It's easy to say you won't, until you do and it gets toxic very fast. However, I've finally realized that it's okay to share your life with the world without letting the world suck the life out of you.

I'm not going to post as often as I would like to, but that's okay. I'm busy living in reality and raising my son. It could be days, weeks, or even months between posts, but that doesn't matter because ultimately, I'm doing it for the right reasons this time. I'm doing it for me (this goes for all platforms I use) and I'm proud of myself. I know the people interested in my work will stick around, and if they don't, that's okay too.