When Mania Wins & Depression Stays

It's like out of nowhere, things start to speed up and you want to do everything..all at once. You can't hold a single thought. Sometimes speaking is hard, finding it difficult to even formulate words. How do you explain that to someone? You try to have fun and force yourself to stay up late for the fear of missing out (FOMO). You think you can just push yourself a little harder because you can "handle it". So you spend days on end "on the go". You know in the back of your mind that you should be doing other things. Things like handling priorities, cleaning, paying bills, making doctor appointments, etc. You want to sleep, to actually be able to relax, write, journal, read, but you can't slow your mind down enough to just focus on one thing; you're restless and it's exhausting.

You're constantly craving more, and wanting something interesting to happen, to feel fulfilled..while constantly being overstimulated and not wanting to do anything at all at the same time. Your thoughts run a million miles a minute. Even trying to meditate feels like a tedious task because sitting still seems impossible. What do you do in those moments? Take a hot shower? Put music on with headphones to drown out the silence? Go for a drive regardless if it's 2am or not? Make something to eat? Find someone to hang out with? Overspend? Scroll on social media as a distraction to feel less lonely?

I used to do all of these things, and still do sometimes. I clean a lot more now that I'm a mom. It's changed in that way since I can't really leave the house much with the cold winter air. However, I'm still finding ways that make it easier to manage these thoughts and feelings. I'm learning boundaries for myself and learning to put my foot down when it comes to taking care of my mental health. I'm learning how to give myself a break and cut myself some slack.

Reminding myself that it's okay to feel my mind racing, to give it space and step back from trying to constantly change those emotions or control them. Just seeing where my mind takes me and asking myself why. Some days are harder than others, but I have to keep going. As long as I'm learning something about myself in the process, I'm able to understand those feelings and I can dance with them. Because mania doesn't always have to win and depression doesn't always have to be a bad thing. Sometimes it can be a learning opportunity for learning who we are and learning how to love ourselves through the chaos. We just have to respect and trust the process because Rome wasn't built in a day.